THE OFFICIAL HOME OF THE ELDEST BROTHER
I’m Justin. You may call me #1. My little brother Ryan is #2. I’m also the favorite grandchild. These are the facts as determined by the highly respected committee of me.
Review the overwhelming evidenceIndependently verified by me, myself, and I.
A COMPLETELY FAIR COMPARISON
Every category carefully selected to ensure a rigorous, predetermined outcome.
| Category | #1 · Justin | #2 · Ryan |
|---|---|---|
| Birth order | First. Nailed it. | Showed up late. |
| Leadership | Sets the example. | Provides the cautionary tale. |
| Wisdom | Older and wiser. | Younger and… younger. |
| Youngest-child privileges | Had to break in the parents. | Got the relaxed management team. |
| Website ownership | Has this magnificent website. | Has concerns about this website. |
| Overall ranking | #1. As advertised. | #2. Still a podium finish. |
Methodology: #1 wrote the questions, graded the answers, and declined peer review.
THE EXTENDED CAST
Beloved cousins. Questionable habits. Absolutely no chance of taking my title.
ORIGIN STORY UNDER REVIEW
The unexpected treasure.
May or may not have been found in a dumpster. The paperwork is inconclusive, and the family refuses to release the surveillance footage.
Either way, we kept her. Honestly, one of our better finds.
PRODUCE AISLE AMBASSADOR
Eau de rutabaga.
A lovely person with the unmistakable aroma of a root vegetable. Not a passing whiff. A signature scent.
She arrives at the family gathering five minutes after her fragrance does. We hug her anyway. Preferably upwind.
FAMILY PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM
No microphone necessary.
Talks loud. Cusses like a sailor. Can turn “pass the potatoes” into a statement audible in the next county.
Her inside voice is everybody else’s outside voice. Her outside voice requires clearance from air traffic control.
OFFICIAL GRANDCHILD RANKINGS
Some grandchildren bring joy. I bring joy and this website, which is legally indistinguishable from proof.
Ryan and the cousins are welcome to dispute the rankings at the next family gathering. Michelle will probably do it at full volume.
*Self-awarded. Actual grandparents may have declined to participate in this nonsense.
Committee vote: 1–0. Unanimous.
Evidence: Eldest-brother confidence, excellent website ownership, and my own extremely reliable testimony.
Term of office: Until someone else buys a domain and learns HTML.
Runner-up: Applications remain under review.
FOR THE RECORD
It just means losing every argument on this particular website.
Tommi, Ashley, and Michelle: you’re family, you’re loved, and you’re very good sports. The best family gatherings come with a little heckling.
Ryan, you’re one of my favorite people. Being your big brother means getting to give you a hard time and having your back when it matters. You’ll always have a place at my table. You can even sit at the grown-up end this year.
With love, your humble big brother and the family’s self-appointed favorite grandchild.
Our impartial review board consists entirely of #1. Nevertheless, we encourage the whole family to pursue their dreams.